One year. 12 months. 365 days. I have spent all of them drowning in uncertainty, fear, love, laughter, crying myself to sleep, jealousy, shock, joy, anxiety, happiness and a sober head full of confusion. But guess what? I wouldn’t change a thing.
Here we are at the end of another year. When I think back on this past year, only one word comes into play: change. 2013 will forever go down as the year of change. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so hard in my entire life as I have this year. I’ve been on my knees more times than I’d like to think about. Love, in any shape or form, can show you what you are truly made of and how far you are willing to go to achieve what you were brought on this earth to do. While 2013 has tested my faith tenfold, it has also shown me my strength. I didn’t think I accomplished much this year, but now that I think about it, I’ve broken barriers I was once afraid to cross only a year ago so that has to count for something.
The hardest thing anyone can do when faced with adversity is to keep believing. Things that I once thought were impossible actually came true this year. While it was all happening, I wasn’t sure how to feel but with time I was able to sort everything out and I’m still shocked things turned out the way they did. God sure does have a sense of humor. I think all of these serendipities are His way of showing me that good things are on the horizon and to keep following the godwinks, and believe me, they keep me going.
As I started to reminisce on this past year, I went back to my 2012 wrap up blog to see how far I’ve come. While I haven’t done the things that I set out to accomplish this year, I still believe that I am on the right path and I have many other blessings to be thankful for. I know I say this a lot, but timing really is everything. We can make all of the resolutions we want, but at the end of the day, or in this case, year, all that really matters is the chances we did take and how many times we got back up after having numerous disappointments shoved in our face. We are given 365 days to start fresh and renew ourselves for our futures. Every morning that we open our eyes is a new chance to do something our future selves will thank us for. When I think about what a beautiful notion that is, I feel like I have more than I thought I did.
If 2013 has taught me anything, it’s that in order to achieve greatness in this lifetime we have to be utterly foolish. How many times has your heart told you to do something yet you ignored it and did the opposite because it was the practical thing to do? Practicality has the potential to ruin you. I refuse to let it ruin me. Right now, I have risks that need to be taken. It might be a little scary, but I think certain fears are there to remind us that it’s working. They say if your dreams aren’t scaring you then they’re not big enough. Try to use that fear to push yourself beyond your boundaries. We need to permit ourselves to be scared and not fear change because it is only through the uncomfortable that we will be able to evolve. After all, nothing changes, if nothing changes - it really is that simple.
Looking back, I wasted a lot of energy worrying my year away. For once, I’d like uncertainty to fuck off so I can feel worthy of this beating heart. If I’m being perfectly honest, I’m just tired. I’m tired of trying so hard to get people to notice my capabilities. I’m sick of short attention spans. I want someone to take the time to read what I have to say and decide from there. I’m tired of feeling not good enough for every job I apply for, among other things. The beauty in all of this is that I get to connect with you – the reader. These feelings are universal and I’m glad we can all bond over them. It’s a lonely world out there. It’s nice to feel understood for once.
I want to say that I know what I want and what I’m going to do to achieve it but I honestly have no clue. I’m going to go with the flow and see where it leads me. With all of the changes happening within this past year, I’m starting to feel like I need to break away from my comfort zone and just try different things. There is so much I want to do and I’m determined to do them without fear. I just might need to lose sight of the shore for a while. Project Fearless In 2014 is happening and I can’t wait to take you guys along with me.
2014 is going to be filled with many surprises, new music, new opportunities, more changes, more writing, more doing, more prayers, less panicking, less worrying (okay who am I kidding?) and of course things I will never be able to understand, but that's okay. My anchor may be far from reach at the moment but I refuse to sink. It will float to me when the time is right. It just needs to sail with other ships until it finds me. Did I mention I’ll also be even lamer than I was this year? :P
Happy New Year, BUZZNET! You’ve been so good to me. I can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store for us. ♥
I’ll leave you guys with the same quote I used in last year’s wrap up blog, as it is still so relevant today, from the woman who continues to show me what it means to be strong:
“…know that things can turn around in the blink of an eye so do not despair. Hold fast. Hold. Hold. And just keep breathing.” – Shirley Manson
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